I was reading the newspaper. I got a really funny idea
that would kill on the DAILY SHOW
. I made a mental note to be funny tomorrow. When tomorrow rolled around I scrawled my idea on a cocktail napkin that was stained with Beck's, cocktail nuts and something that was oozing out of Cindy's elbow. Bleeding? Twitter me. Too busy to elaborate, but I tucked the napkin into my pants pocket. Happy to report it went through the weekly wash in my pants pocket A-OK. It's almost legible. Finally got some time to cozy up to Microsoft Word to hunt and peck that laugh-o-rama into a sketch-like form. "I'm brilliant!" I thought to myself. Oh, but then LOST was on so I quit my comedy writing to go do what everyone else was doing. Later that night I wanted to review my thoughts but the smell of pizza was driving me like !crazy! so I did that instead. John Locke told me Jacob told me to do that instead of writing comedy. SMASH CUT TO: A week later and I'm still thinking my comedy bit will be great for the daily
show. Better rework it from a greenscreen remote into a sketch just in case I want to expand the reach of my sketch packet to include some of the other, um, comedy guys. No time for that this week, though, because I heard that Jennifer Aniston will be on TV and I love her boobs and don't want to miss out on that. No way! DISSOLVE TO: Jennifer was in the TIVO keywords but apparently won't be appearing on Spike Feresten. That's awright 'cause I set a new high score on Wii Tetris, you know, the one where you have to turn a cartwheel to spin the shape. I'm dizzy, but it was worth it. I called some actor friends over for a table read and the only way I could get them to show up was a vague promise of FDA Schedule I
hallucinogens. I'm happy to report after a delay caused by a spontaneous game of CLUE, my Daily Show
sketch about the breaking Bernie Madoff story is generating major laughs. If you never heard of Bernie Madoff don't worry because, in a couple of weeks he'll be all over the news. However, during the read, one of my actor friends noted several instances where a period was followed by one, not two spaces. It irritated him. He majored in English lit and minored in cracking walnuts with his sphincter. Wow, this comedy sketch for the Daily Show
is really funny.
But every screenwriter knows you don't ever go with that rough stuff. Nope, put it in a desk drawer and let it cook for a couple of months so you don't let anyone read the bad stuff. I didn't have a spare drawer so I simply stashed it among the unpaid parking tickets my out-of-work actor roomie keeps on the tank of the toilet just in case he runs low on T.P.
Then, 3 months ago I had a fit of inspiration as a result of a shopping binge at Target. Not only is my kitchen filled with spanky new plasticware, but that clip-on lamp is just what I needed to punch up the dialog on the last page of that sketch. Page one and two were already totally smokin'. I was still kinda worried that the comedy gods might frown on my work, so I used a voice recorder to stage a radio play of me doing all the parts, but in Disney voices. Surreal, but definitely a pragmatic tool for the anal
itically inclined. As I transcribed the radio play I tried to imagine Jon Stewart's Mickey Mouse face and that really got the comedy juices flowing. I was so happy I printed my sketch out on bright orange paper and drew little flowers in purple crayon around the edges. "Wow! That totally kills!" I thought to myself.
I'm really serious about writing for the Daily
Show and so I tucked that comic masterpiece into a manilla folder along with my other 3 sketches. I figure, in about 7 months I'll be ready to submit my seven killer sketches based on topical news stories from the past decade. I think it's safe to say everyone is still really riled up about who John McCain is gonna pick for his running mate. Yeah, cause if I know Jon Stewart, he can really smell that comedy aroma wafting from the headlines of the NYT, and I wanna join his crack staff of writers churning out really funny sketches for the Daily
Show at the rate of 9 per kilo-bagel. At one bagel per trip to Daniel's, that translates to 9 sketches every 1000 days. That WGA scale is starting to look really sweet to support my Command and Conquer
My only worry is that I might not be fast enough for the Daily Show and might need to write for some weekly comedy like SNL, MadTV or American Idol Gives Back. I have some friends "in-the-know" that assured me that if there were any cancellations this season, SNL was definitely getting the axe because MadTV is like the little engine that could. Nobody can stop it!